Monday, October 5, 2009

11 Days in a Dumpster - Prelude

The story begins.......

I love garbage goodies!  Being a trash troll, I pull up to a curb, grab something cool, and use it - the ultimate in recycling.  Rarely, have I heard someone yell, “Hey, don’t put that to good use, I was trying to throw it away!”  Imagine a yard sale, without those pesky price tags. 

Now, my city has a University.  We’ll call it “City University” (and never refer to it again).  Whenever a semester ends, many of the college kiddies move out and dump their entire dorm rooms curbside.  Much of my well-furnished home comes from what their mommies and daddies replace with magical, mystical credit cards.  Thanks, folks!  It’s exhilarating to garner gadgets from the undereducated youth of America. 

Dumpster diving is a completely different animal.  These metal monsters tend to be on private property, so now you’re dealing with business owners.  They can be “grumpy” when someone puts their dented, discarded, expired products to good use.  The fact that we live in a sue-happy culture doesn’t help.

So… trash tribulation begins on the day we’ll pretend I was training for the Olympics.  Part of my workout consisted of reaching into a dumpster for “no-priced” items, focusing on my abs.    It was dark outside, but with enough streetlight to peer inside.  This particular vessel was nearly empty, but brimming with fate.  I heard someone coming back to throw in another load, so I hopped inside and became perfectly still.  He whipped in a black sack and, with a deafening SCREEEEEEECH slid the metal door shut.  My plan was to wait for him to leave the premises before executing my daring escape.

He walked to his car, started it and drove away.  With one swift jerk, I realized the door was locked.  Yelling and pounding on the steel walls became pointless after about fifteen minutes.  I finally convinced myself that I would have to wait until the cock crows to be discovered.  Myself agreed with me, regarding the embarrassing consequence, and I settled in for the night.

I could smell food, amongst the sparse retail goodies, so I decided to investigate.  I discovered an entirely unopened cheesecake with a severely dented box.  It was warm, but didn’t stink.  In retrospect, it didn’t stink, because I was surrounded by stink.  I love cheesecake!  I concluded that I had to eat as much as I could, before it went “bad”. 

Afterward, I fluffed my grocery bag pillow stuffed with fast food leavings, closed my eyes and retired at the age of thirty-seven (I know…..I sound much younger.)  I woke up, around what I assumed was 3:39 am, in intense pain!  Fluorescent light penetrated the dumpster cracks.  I couldn’t feel my arms, legs or long, flowing tail.  I immediately went back to sleep, falling into a deathly spell.


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  1. all dumpsters eat babies.
    im glad you finally found one
    that is man enough to admit it!
    and apparently its not picky
    enough to not eat you as well.
    if theres one thing i cant stand
    its a picky dumpster.

    once for a year i went to dumpster diving
    nearly nightly. the best ones?
    borders books: once a month they throw out
    all of the international magazines that didnt sell.
    flower shops: the day after valentines day the
    shops just spew roses. the dumpsters are overflowing.
    to that i said "ill get my own damn flowers"
    and the best for last: pier one imports.
    everything they import seems to get a little bruised
    and just goes straight in the trash.
    just ask my kitchen table.. nearly
    all of my lamps.. my couch.. my
    rugs... well.. the list goes on.

    yes, ive been busted.
    picked up by the trash man, stopped by the police
    and chased by store employees.. but that cant
    stop me. if i see a porcelain elephant and a
    bamboo chair nothing can stop me...
    and i have the scars to prove it.

    all this to say.. keep up the good work.
    i never found any cheesecake... but
    i guess i wasnt really looking for it.

  2. faerie finder, you are quite the seamstress with the whimsical word, but then again, I bet you begin all of your comments with "all dumpsters eat babies." I've been caught quite a bit, and there's always that exhilarating, rebellious schoolboy feeling I get as I flee! I always thought it a travesty that this stuff doesn't get redistributed in a useful fashion. Everyone go check out faerie finder's blog (Owl in the Dark)at: